I wanted to share a clip that popped up in my Instagram feed last week. It was from a conversation between Brené Brown and Tim Ferriss a few years ago, where Brené shared a simple but powerful check-in that she and her husband, Steve, use in their marriage.
They’ve been together for over 30 years and have learned that a healthy relationship isn’t about splitting things 50/50 every day. Instead, they check in by giving a number:
“I’ve got 20 today.”
“Okay, I can cover the other 80.”
If they’re both running low — say one’s at 25 and the other’s at 10 — they sit down, acknowledge the gap, and figure out a plan. That might mean cancelling plans, ordering takeout, or calling in extra help so they can get through the day without turning on each other.
It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being honest and having a plan for when your combined energy just isn’t enough.
This kind of check-in doesn’t just work in marriages. It can help in friendships, families, work teams, and even in how we relate to ourselves. Especially during menopause, when moods can swing and emotions are hard to pin down, sometimes it’s difficult to explain what’s going on.
What if you didn’t have to explain?
What if you could just say, “I’ve got a 20 today,” and that was enough?
The Power of a Number
This idea reminded me of something I learned while volunteering at The Compass Food Bank. CAMH had come in to deliver Customer Service and De-escalation Training, and one of the tools they shared was incredibly simple and incredibly effective.
In their own workplace, which supports vulnerable populations, staff check in with each other before every shift to assess their emotional capacity. It goes something like this:
“I’m at an 80 today.”
“I’m sitting at a 40. Can you take the lead if things get tense?”
It’s not about proving anything. It’s about knowing your limits, communicating them clearly, and working together to avoid burnout. It builds trust, creates safety, and ensures no one is forced to give more than they have.
Try It for Yourself
You don’t need to work in mental health or be in a long-term relationship to use this. Try it with yourself.
Try it with your partner, your kids, or a close friend.
If you’re feeling tired, short-tempered, overwhelmed, or just off — ask yourself:
“What’s my number today?”
Maybe you’re at a 30 and just need a bit of space.
Maybe your partner’s at a 15, and now’s not the time for a big conversation.
Maybe it’s a 100 kind of day and you’ve got extra to give.
And if the total between two people is less than 100, that’s your cue to adjust. Cancel something. Order dinner. Ask for help. Or simply agree to be gentle with each other.
Because whether it’s a relationship, a team, or your own wellness journey...
we all have low-number days.
It doesn’t mean you’re failing.
It just means you need a plan.
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